I kissed 5 boys in 2009. Most of them were just little bye bye or silly kisses. Some of them weren't. A lot of them weren't.

My skin is on too tight.

Sometimes a tidal wave of blackness comes over me.

And I wish I could look at him and say "that's mine." But I'm drowning in the uncertainty, patience doesn't offer a breath. I'm sinking as the air escapes in bubbles and flows to the surface, my lungs draining from every compartment. I look into his eyes one last time and my lungs fill with water, they fill to the brim, they overflow.

My cousins are here from Ohio for half a week and I've been cleaning up around my room because they're staying at my house one of the nights. I found an assortment of interesting things..pictures, notes, unfinished homework assignments from last year, but the most interesting thing was a little paragraph i wrote during school on my birthday.

"January 29th, 2007
I stare at my feet as I walk down the hall. My pant leg is stuck in my shoe but there's nothing i can do about it right now. I'm walking on the right side of the hallway but they still push. I push back hard and wonder if they'd be pushing me if they knew it was my birthday.

No sympathy. Who cares.
I don't.

Daily rush. Daily drone.
Fake smiles, fake laughs.

There's no use in wishing,
wanting, longing.
STOP."

Funny the things I thought. Funny how I can easily recall that feeling even though I haven't been in a crowded hallway since May. Funny how it was me all along.